COUPLES IN WARTIME

My Shakespeare professor announced today that he has recently become engaged. Two days ago, I was thinking about how many couples I've seen in the streets of New York City since 9/11 and, especially, since the start of Gulf War II. Many new couples have emerged and old couples have consolidated their emotional bonds. People are in need of support nowadays, with all the feelings of helplessness, fear and anxiety that our troubled times are filled with.

Though I am currently not involved with anybody (hint, hint...ladies), I have had my own urges for intimacy. At times, these urges can be very powerful, but spending time with friends or just talking to someone I know has helped to quench the feeling. I found a website, romancestuck.com, that published an article about what couples should consider in these apocalyptic times. The article is called RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT DURING A CRISIS. Here is an excerpt of it:

Managing relationships when crisis hits is a difficult task. You often get into things you wouldn’t otherwise or even use your relationship as a way to console your feelings of helplessness, anger and fear.

Here in California, I’ve seen this many times happen during our earthquakes, fires and riots. Even during the Gulf War, people naturally wanted to help ease their suffering and often turn to their relationships.

It’s a good idea to draw off the strength of those you love, and to share yours with them, but be careful not to use the stress brought on by crisis against your partner, or as an excuse to over-commit. Let’s look at both of these scenarios:

Turning Your Anger, Fear or Anxiety Inward to the Relationship

Some people don’t handle crisis very well. This isn’t a bad thing – who in this country really gets much chance to learn how? Frankly, up until now, we’ve had it pretty good. Because of this, when a crisis DOES hit, many are just not prepared.

Everyone hopes that they will act like a hero during a crisis. Obviously, there are a relative few that actually can. Of course, everyone wants to be that person, but few get the chance to prepare themselves, and even fewer have it in them naturally. This lack of preparation leads to overreaction, frustration, fear and anxiety. Many people start to lash-out at those around them, and often strike the person in closest reach – their lover, wife, husband, or partner.

Dealing with this situation is a double-edged sword – both from the standpoint of the person inflicting the damage, and from the person receiving it. How do you handle all the conflicting emotions? Is there a way to vent them without harming someone you love?

Yes – the first key however is to realize that you’re having difficulty dealing with the crisis. During a crisis, you want to take extra care to deal with all the conflicting emotions you may feel. You may need to talk to someone.

You should also recognize that your partner might be having his or her own issues. It’s easy (and natural) to turn your focus inward, but try not to forget that he or she may be going through many of the same things you are.

Using a Crisis as an Excuse to Over-Commit

We’ve seen this every time there is a major event – be it a disaster like an earthquake, or a war; people decide to step-up their plans or jump into commitments they wouldn’t otherwise make.

During both World Wars, the war in Vietnam, and even as recent as the Gulf War, many people chose to get engaged, married, pregnant, etc., before leaving to separating. While this may seem romantic, it is rarely a good idea. Why should a crisis change the path of your relationship?

Of course, knowing that there is someone waiting back home may make the distance seem less important, but consider what may happen when you return. Perhaps this person has changed their minds. Maybe they only agreed to this to appease the person leaving, etc. There are hundreds of reasons why someone may decide to agree to change their relationship.

If you’re the one staying home, you too may be tempted to change your relationship. Consider that, while your partner is away, many things may change – for both of you. The promises you make today may not be practical in a few weeks, months or even years.

To all couples and single folks: care to comment? I hope that my professor isn't making a mistake. Should I e-mail him?